Broadway and White Castle: A Parody
by elphabathedelirious32
Summary: Coauthored with XAddisonShepherdX. Body stealing, omniscient narrator voices, ballroom dancing and musical theatre, oh my!


**A/N: Parody! Yay! Coauthored by me, FabalaFae32, aka "Kari's friend," and XAddisonShepherdX, aka Kari, at my house when we were bored. **

**Disclaimer: We don't own it. Shonda does. Unfortunately. But some water just might remedy that…-evil laughter-**

_The morning after the Seattle Grace prom seemed almost typical, except in the locker room, since none of the female interns were there. _

**Scene 1: Satan's Perverts**

GEORGE: Alex.

ALEX: George.

GEORGE: I thought you were staying with Izzy today.

ALEX: Yeah…(he checks his hair in the mirror) Buncha chicks crying. Way too heavy. (he applies more mousse and combs his hair, then grins and makes odd faces at his reflection)

GEORGE: If that's your pick-up face, it needs work.

ALEX: Like you'd know. (he looks at George) Dude. Your hair _sucks_.

GEORGE: Does not!

ALEX: Does too. Whatever. I'm going to sharpen my pencil.

BURKE: (walks in): Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

GEORGE: Wha…oh! Ew! But…who…?

ALEX: Oh-_liv_-i-a.

GEORGE: (growls) Syphilis spreader. You jerk.

BURKE: Karev, if you go have sex in the on-call room, I _will _get someone to walk in you. Someone _no_ _one _wants walking in on them. Someone named Miranda Bailey.

(BAILEY walks in)

ALEX: Speak of the devil.

BAILEY: Montgomery-Shepard's the Devil, Karev. I'm _worse_. (she glares at Burke) You. GET in your bed. NOW. (she shakes her head) What _is _it with you and Yang? STAY IN BED WHEN YOU'RE SICK, or I'll send someone over to Psych to get a straitjacket! I mean it! Go! (He leaves. She turns to ALEX and GEORGE). Karev. STOP HAVING SEX WITH NURSES IN THE ON-CALL ROOM!

ALEX: I can't. Why do you think they went on strike?

GEORGE: Oh, _ew_.

BAILEY: The she-Shepherd wants you, Karev.

ALEX: Who doesn't?

ADDISON: (walks in) No, I do not _want _you, Karev. I want you _to _go upstairs and check on my patients. Especially the one with herpes…and I think we might be out of gloves. (He leaves.) _Perv_.

BAILEY: Is that even _legal_?

ADDISON: I hope not. It'd serve him right.

BAILEY: Hmpf. True. (she looks around) O'Malley. Where are all my suck-ups?

GEORGE: (cracks up)

BAILEY: _What? _

GEORGE: I never realized what an accurate nickname you'd given us.

ADDISON: (cracks up)

BAILEY: Get your mind out of the gutter O'Malley, and come find me when you've cleaned out your dirty little mind.

GEORGE: Um…it could be awhile.

(ADDISON and BAILEY leave).

**Scene 2: The Omniscient Narrator Voice **

GEORGE: (looks in the mirror) So. It's just you and me now, I guess. (he sighs dramatically) Well. I've got kind of a problem. See, I like Callie and all, but lately I think…I'm kind of in love with someone else. (dramatic pause and close-up). I think…I think I'm in love with…Izzy. But…I'm still in love with Meredith.

OMNISCIENT NARRATOR VOICE: Who isn't? Despite the fact that she's a whiny loser with major emotional problems and daddy issues, every male in this hospital seems to be in love with, or in Alex's case get into her pants. She's not even that pretty. I don't get it.

GEORGE: SHUT UP OMNISCIENT NARRATOR!

ONV: _Fine_. Jeez.

GEORGE: _Anyway_, as I was saying before I was so _rudely _interrupted (glares at ceiling), I just don't know who I love the most. I just can't pick.

ONV: No one on this freaking show knows who they love! It's so dysfunctional!

GEORGE: Do you EVER shut up?

ONV: Sorry. But…can I just say one more thing? (long pause. Clock hands spin around. They do that weird person in one place walking around fades into another place thing).

GEORGE: WELL? WHAT?

ONV: I don't know. That's just my line. But the next one really doesn't apply here, so…

GEORGE: What are you _talking _about?

ONV: Fine. I'll say it. You could've just walked away back there.

GEORGE: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

ONV: So no matter how shallow and self-absorbed you pretend to be…

GEORGE: I DON'T PRETEND TO BE SHALLOW AND SELF-ABSORBED! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!

ONV: Screw you, you obviously don't go to enough plays. I'm leaving.

GEORGE: _Good_. Now. Meredith, Callie, Izzy…Meredith, Callie, Izzy? HOW DO I DECIDE!

MEREDITH V/O: Oops, totally forgot about this. Anyway. Sometimes, when you're a grown-up, you have to make decisions. But sometimes, you really can't. So sometimes, in order to make those decisions, you have to flip a coin.

GEORGE: What is this, the Comcast wisdom guru dude? What are you talking about?

MEREDITH V/O: Be a heartless loser like me and flip a coin! Or we could do foursomes…maybe…

GEORGE: EW.

MEREDITH V/O: What? I mean, Izzy and I _are _always sitting on your bed. Where was I? Oh yeah. In a hospital with so many amazing cardiac surgeons, it's pretty weird that they haven't replaced my heart yet.

GEORGE: Um. No comment on that.

ONV: THEY CAN DO THAT!

GEORGE: NO! GO AWAY!

ONV: Jeez. I was _just _trying to help.

…

**Scene 3: It's Like Sex in a Body Bag**

Cut to: Morgue.

MORGUE DUDE: So. Like…you here to like make sure I got, like, the right dead dude? And that he's really dead?

BAILEY: Of course he's really dead. You ever taken someone that wasn't dead out of the morgue? Or to the morgue?

MORGUE DUDE: Well, recently…we've had a couple.

BAILEY: Do I even _wanna _know?

MORGUE DUDE: I dunno. Do you?

BAILEY: You look familiar…

MORGUE DUDE: No, I don't.

BAILEY: You do…you look like…KYLE CHANDLER THE BOMB SQUAD GUY!

MORGUE DUDE: I AM Kyle Chandler the Bomb Squad Guy!

(they hug)

BAILEY:YAY! You didn't die. Now if only Meredith had…I MEAN…um…right. Identifying the body. (she opens the body bag and screams).

MD: What is it? What's wrong?

ONV: Okay. Seriously. Stop it. What _is _it with you people? That line gets used way too often. (she is ignored).

BAILEY: STEVENS! GET THE HELL OUTTA THE BODY BAG! AND _DO NOT TELL ME _YOU HAD SEX WITH A CORPSE!

IZZY: I didn't. You interrupted me.

MD: Now that, I have not seen.

BAILEY: STEVENS! What are you _doing_? I thought you were at Grey's house with Yang and all my other suck-ups!

ONV: That really is an apt nickname, you know.

MD: Yeah, it really is.

IZZY: Aren't you the bomb squad guy?

MD: Yeah.

IZZY: Didn't you die or something?

MD: Yeah.

IZZY: Well then ok. (they hug. Izzy turns to Bailey). SEE? People can die and not be dead!

ONV: Yeah, they can. Seriously. I've done it; it was kind of a kick. Except that time I fell…

IZZY: Who are _you_?

ONV: I am the omniscient narrator voice. _Duh_.

IZZY: Right.

MD: She's cool. I like her. And that chick with her hand on the bomb. She was hot.

IZZY: Not you too!

ONV: Every male who sets foot in the hospital is in love with Meredith! It's bizarre! She's not even that good-looking!

IZZY: I _know_!

MD: Yeah, she is…

IZZY: (knocks him out)

BAILEY: STEVENS! Now what are you doing?

IZZY: Stealing Denny's body! His loser family never visited him! I'm his fiancée; I'll sleep with his corpse if I damn well want to. (long pause) Or at least bury him. You know. One or the other. Or both. Or-

BAILEY: Too. Much. Information. Stevens, can't you get Yang involved in this and leave me be? You two already performed an illegal autopsy. You interns keep breaking the rules. Every single one of you ought to get kicked out of the program just for having illicit sex in the on-call room.

IZZY: Don't forget the supply closet. And occasionally empty examining rooms.

BAILEY: What did I say? Too much information.

IZZY: C'mon, Dr. Bailey! It's _Denny! _Let's do something wild and crazy!

BAILEY: Fine. I _do not _want the she-Shepherd calling me in as a consult on that herpes case, anyway.

…

**Scene 4: Girls Gone Wild. Really Wild.**

Cut to: Meredith's house that's really her mom's.

IZZY and BAILEY and ADDISON are sitting in an unidentified pick-up truck with the body bag in the back. IZZY beeps the horn repeatedly until CALLIE, MEREDITH, and CRISTINA come outside.

MEREDITH: I thought you were in the bathroom!

IZZY: I climbed out the window. It was getting really hot in there.

CRISTINA: (noticing that Izzy is wearing scrubs) Where's your dress?

IZZY: In the bathroom.

CALLIE: Wait a minute…so you ran to Seattle Grace naked?

IZZY: Why not? Half the people in there at any given time are naked.

CALLIE: Good point.

ADDISON: (waves Meredith's panties out the sunroof) Speaking of which, missing something, Grey?

MEREDITH: (shocked face. Dramatic close up) Oh. My. God.

EVERYONE ELSE: (cracks up)

IZZY: Get in, losers, we're going to White Castle.

(they do so)

CALLIE: Izzy, what's this thing? (gestures toward body bag)

IZZY: You ain't got the high notes, but I've got a body in the trunk of my car.

ADDISON: Kirk, Gilmore Girls, Season Three?

IZZY: Yes!

ADDISON: We must bond!

(they hug with Bailey in between them)

BAILEY: I AM THE NAZI! YOU DO NOT SQUISH THE NAZI!

IZZY: Sorry.

ADDISON: Yeah, and I'm Satan. Satan trumps Nazi. Like baby trumps husband.

CALLIE: I'm confused. And I do so have the high notes! I'll prove it! (she pulls a CD out of her bra and hands it to Izzy.)

IZZY: Carful of surgeons! Anyone got a glove?

ADDISON: No, sorry, we're out.

IZZY: Damn. (she takes the CD and puts it in the car stereo)

CD: FIND YOUR GRAIL!

EVERYONE: OW!

CALLIE: Oh, yeah. (pumps fist in the air)

IZZY: Grails have to do with castles. So we're going to White Castle! Now!

…

**Scene 5: Isabel Stevens, Miranda Bailey, Meredith Grey, Callie Torres, Cristina Yang, and Addison Forbes-Montgomery Shepherd (ONV: You have a really long name) and the Omniscient Narrator Voice Go to White Castle**

Cut to: White Castle

WHITE CASTLE DUDE: Welcome to White Castle. Home of the White Castle. Can I take your order?

ADDISON: I want a cheeseburger.

WHITE CASTLE DUDE: It's a cheese _castle_, ma'am, and would you like to order the special deal of-

ADDISON: NO! I WANT A CHEESEBURGER! I'M THE WORLD'S FOREMOST NEONATAL SURGEON AND I WANT A CHEESEBURGER, DAMMIT!

IZZY: I think you just broke my eardrum.

CRISTINA: Wow. She's more hostile than I am.

ADDISON: Damn straight. (she turns to drive thru talking into thing) WHERE'S MY CHEESEBURGER!

WHITE CASTLE DUDE: You have to pull up to the window.

ADDISON: (shoves Izzy into the back and takes over the driver's seat. She drives up to the window at an insane speed, screeches the tires, grabs the cheeseburger, and drives away without paying).

WHITE CASTLE DUDE: MA'AM! THAT'LL BE THREE SEVENTY-FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

ONV: Wow. That beats my sister. And my best friend. Not me, but he's close.

IZZY: Oh. My. God. You skipped out on your cheeseburger! You're a horrible person!

ADDISON: You stole a body.

IZZY: Oh, yeah.

CRISTINA: Yo, Satan! I wanted a cheeseburger too!

ADDISON: (looks into backseat. Her head spins around and fire comes out of her mouth, nostrils, and ears)

MEREDITH, IZZY, CALLIE: (cower)

CRISTINA: I still want a cheeseburger.

…

**Scene 6: It's Like Sex on Hardwood**

Cut to: The trailer

IZZY: Hey, look, an abandoned trailer! Let's dump the body!

ADDISON: Maybe then the health department'll condemn it and we can buy a damn house!

BAILEY: Stevens, I thought you abducted this corpse to give it a proper burial.

IZZY: Yeah, but if McDreamy gets arrested for murder instead I'm sure Denny'll understand.

(they get out of the car and go inside the trailer. Izzy sets Denny down on the bed. They go in the living room. Cristina is playing with a set of controls on the wall)

CRISTINA: What's this do? (she hits a button and a gigantic ballroom complete with lights, disco ball, and DJ pops out of the trailer. All the clothes of the interns, Bailey, Callie, and Addison are transformed into really kick-ass ball gowns.)

CRISTINA: What the fuck is this, Cinderella?

(DEREK gets zapped into the room)

DEREK: Whoa! How'd I get here? Addie, what'd you do to the trailer? When I told you to get on your broomstick and fly to New York, I didn't think you were seriously like a witch!

ONV: She's not. I'm the omniscient narrator voice, I can do whatever I want!

DEREK: I think I inhaled too much of that anesthetic…

ONV: Meredith, Derek, Addison, your love issues have been getting on my nerves. And my friend's. So she's decided that you're going to have a dance contest, Meredith and Addison, to see who gets McDreamy.

MEREDITH: Seriously?

ONV: Seriously.

ADDISON: Seriously?

DEREK: Seriously.

IZZY: Seriously?

CRISTINA: Seriously.

BAILEY: Yes, seriously! Now shut up and let them finally resolve this!

ONV: Meredith, you go first. Cristina, Burke, demonstrate. (BURKE falls from the sky in a tux. They begin to do a tango. Cristina leads).

MEREDITH: Ooh! It's like sex on hardwood! Get Finn! (FINN falls from the sky, hits his head on the wall, and lies there unconscious. Meredith doesn't get it.) Finn, Derek! Dance with me!

DEREK: Um, changed my mind. I'm not into threesomes. I'll dance with just you-

ONV: Nope, sorry. Since you're not actually McDreamy's wife, you have to dance by yourself.

(a weird blend of hip-hop, opera, and wailing music comes on. Meredith starts doing a really odd dance and waving her arms around. Then she does the robot. Then she tries interpretative dance. It's odd).

ONV: Da-ya-m, even I dance better than that! Wow. Okay. Addison and Derek, your turn.

(dramatic tango music come on. Addison, in a dark red dress with a rose in her hair, and Derek, in a tux with a dark red cummerbund and a rose in his teeth, start dancing incredibly well. Everyone is shocked.)

ONV: Well, that settles it. Addison wins!

ADDISON: YES! I AM MCWIFE! AND MCHOT!

SHONDA: (comes running in) No! NO! NO! EVERYBODY STOP! SOME CRAZY TEENAGERS TOOK OVER MY WRITING ROOM! I'M MELTING! MEEEELLLTING!

ADDISON: You're not cool enough to melt, Shonda. (Shonda looks up from twitching on the floor and realizes she hasn't melted) See, that's my job. You know, like Idina Menzel. (she does the yo sign with her fingers and creeps out the interns) Idina and I, we got the hookup.

IDINA: (falls out of the ceiling) YES! I AM THE STAR!

EVERYONE: (stares)

GEORGE: (randomly appears) She sounds familiar…

IDINA: DUH! I'm the omniscient narrator voice! Hello?

A MUFFLED VOICE FROM THE CEILING: I wanna see the dance- uh! (KRISTIN CHENOWETH falls out of the ceiling)

CALLIE: Hi!

KRISTIN AND IDINA: Hi! Broadway person! (they hug)

KRISTIN: Yay! Broadway love! (she gasps) LET'S SING!

IDINA: Um…sure…sing what?

ALEX is heard calling various people's names outside the trailer.

IZZY: Ugh, it's McAsshole.

ADDISON: I have a plan to mock Vagina Boy. (they all huddle and whisper)

…

**Scene 7: Tight Pants**

Cut to: Empty, dark trailer/ballroom

ALEX: Hello? Anyone? Anyone at all?

(music begins to play. Everyone, dressed in costumes, jumps out as the disco lights in various colors come up.)

EVERYONE: His...name...is Lancelot  
And in tight pants a lot  
He likes to dance a lot  
You know you do

ALEX: I do?

EVERYONE: So just say thanks a lot  
And try romance, it's hot!  
Let's find out who's really you.  
His name is Lancelot  
He visits France a lot  
He likes to dance a lot and dream  
No one would ever know  
That this outrageous pro  
Bats for the other team.

FINN and MARK (who randomly appeared): You're a knight who really likes his night life  
And by day you really like to play  
You can all find him pumping at the gym  
At the Camelot Y.M.C.A.!

EVERYONE: His name is Lancelot  
La, la, la  
Just watch him dance a lot  
La, la, la  
He doesn't care what people say  
La, la, la

ALEX: No Way!

EVERYONE: For when he starts to dance  
La, la, la  
Just grab your underpants

ADDISON: Unless you lost 'em, like Grey!  
EVERYONE: La, la, la

FINN and MARK: He can finally come out and say that he is G.A.

EVERYONE: Y.M.C.A.

EVERYONE: He's Gay!

ALEX: Oooookaaaay. (drumroll). Then.

EVERYONE: (falls on the floor laughing hysterically)

ALEX: I'm not. Seriously. I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY PENIS WITH OTHER MEN!

GEORGE: BUT YOU DO GIVE THEM SYPHILIS!

CALLIE: _What?_

GEORGE: No…not…directly…through…someone else!

_Off in a corner…_

FINN: Meredith, I really do love you. I mean, I didn't even care if you slept with McDreamy! And he has the hair!

MEREDITH: (dramatic close up) I…just don't know anymore. (she stares dreamily at Mark). I still have to flip a coin.

DEREK: (dances by with Addison) I don't want you anymore! I'm in love with my wife!

ADDISON: (cackles) I know it may be difficult for that blissful, blonde, brain of yours to comprehend that someone like him could actually choose someone like me! But it's happened…it's real. And you can flip your ridiculous coin all you want, you can't change it. He never belonged to you, he doesn't love you, and he never did! He loves me!

IDINA: Hey, nice, you're good at that!

MEREDITH: No, it's not Derek. It's Mark.

MARK: Well, I don't want you either, Meredith. I want Addison.

ADDISON: Well, this is a nice change. But you're a loser, Mark. I'm with Derek.

(Addison and Derek waltz off singing "The Next Ten Minutes.")

FINN: Wanna compromise?

MEREDITH: How?

MARK: One word. Threesome.

_Over in another corner…_

BAILEY: Damn, I'm tired. (she walks into the bedroom). SHEPHERD I'M STEALING YOUR BED! (she looks to see Izzy and Denny) STEVENS! WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT DOING THE NASTY WITH A CORPSE!

DENNY: I'm not a corpse.

BAILEY: HOLY SHIT! DEAD MAN TALKING!  
DENNY: I'm not dead!  
IZZY: Here, he says he's not dead!  
ALEX :Yes he is.

DENNY: I feel happy. I feel happy.  
(sung)  
I am not dead yet  
I can dance and I can sing  
I am not dead yet  
I can do the Highland Fling

I am not dead yet  
No need to go to bed  
No need to call the doctor

IZZY: I say there's a need! Cause he's not yet dead.

EVERYONE: He is not yet dead  
That's what the geezer said  
No, he's not yet dead  
That man is off his head

He is not yet dead  
So leave those two in bed  
Keep him out of the bag because he's not yet dead.

KRISTIN: Good news! He's not dead! Izzy's fiancé is not dead! The…uh…greatest fiancé she ever had…uh…and she didn't even tell her dad?

IDINA: Give it up.

KRISTIN: (sighs) Okay.

KRISTIN, IDINA, CALLIE: Instead of Meredith's annoying voiceover ramblings, we're going to sing!

Some things in life are bad  
They can really make you mad  
Other things just make you swear and curse.  
When you're chewing on life's gristle  
Don't grumble, give a whistle  
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...  
Always look on the light side of life...

…

_Everyone randomly disappears and reappears in Seattle Grace. Meredith, unfortunately, lands in the elevator shaft and falls screaming to her death. _

CRISTINA: Well.

ADDISON: All right then

IDINA: Shall we continue?

DEREK: Definitely.

IDINA, CALLIE, AND KRISTIN: No one mourns the Wicked  
Now at last she's dead and gone  
Now at last there's joy throughout the land

EVERYONE: Good news!  
Good news:

DEREK: Who can say if I've been  
Changed for the better  
But:

ADDISON AND DEREK:  
Because you/I loved her:

EVERYONE: No one mourns the Wicked:

DEREK: Because I knew her

ADDISON AND DEREK: You/ I realized…

(the music abruptly changes)

ADDISON AND DEREK: WE CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!

And so, Addison and Derek lived happily ever after, with lots of shoes, tangos, and complicated surgeries.

THE END

DENNY: Boo!

**A/N: Okay, so we don't own anything. Not Spamalot, Wicked, The Last Five Years, or Grey's Anatomy, or Gilmore Girls. **


End file.
